I don't really understand why everybody seemed to bust on this movie so hard. I really enjoyed it. I know that by looking over my past reviews that you would think that I like every movie but that's just not true. Generally, I don't get off my lazy arse to do a review for a movie that sucks. I guess I should go rent some crappy movies and review them but my life isn't this review crap so get off my case, man! I rent movies that I want to enjoy, not that I want to review, but I digress.
As I was saying, I really liked this movie. I didn't think I would considering all the negative criticism and Schwarzenegger recent sting of bad movies. But then, movie critics all suck arse anyway, so I really don't know what I was thinking.
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The movie starts off in 1979 (same year I was born) and some sign indicates that "the chosen" has been born. So, The Pope sends off his little minions to protect "the chosen" from the whatever it is that she is supposed to be protected from. Then, we meet big bad Arnold, who plays a down and out ex-cop turned security agent guy. The first seen with "Aa-nold" in it he puts a gun to his head and is about to pull the trigger when his buddy (William Shatner impressionist Kevin Pollak) comes in, so right away you know that Jericho (not the wrestler, Arnold's character) is a pretty messed up dude. Sorta like Riggs, right Murtaugh?
Well, the previous night, some creepy lookin blob with predator type invisibility blows up a bunch of stuff (like the street) and takes over some dude (Gabriel Byrne). I liked the devil in this movie. Sure he was evil, but the first thing he did when he got some flesh around his predator style invisible soul was walk up to (apparently) some guy's wife and whip out her did and practically do her right in front of him! You just have to respect that, especially because the chick actually enjoyed it. I mean, he didn't get slapped or anything! What a guy! You folks at the girlfriend stealing club could take a few notes from this guy, er, devil.
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Then, we meet Christine York (played by Robin Tunney), who has some managed to survive life with visions and nightmares and the like without going and getting herself thrown in a nut house; which is quite a feat considering the fact that she's a hottie. Well, I'm not going to give away details here, but eventually Jericho (Y2J?) finds helpless Christine and gets the devil really mad. So mad in fact that He (do you capitalize "he" when you talk about the devil the same way you do Jesus and god?) has sex with some guys wife and daughter! I wish I could relieve stress that way.
Satan's entire time on this earth is to bend Christine over a table and do the nasty with her sometime between 11 and 12 on new years eve, 1999. Then, if Satan does the horizontal mambo, the child born will bring about the end of days, see? Not that hard a concept to grasp. I can't imagine waiting a thousand years to get my noodle wet and only be able to do it between 11 and 12. That seems kinda nuts to me.
As far as the movie goes, I really thought it was pretty good, of course, I liked Spawn and The Postman too, so my opinion apparently don't match with the rest of America's. I thought the plot was pretty good, and I think the reason everybody bitched about it was because that most of America is just fockin' stupid. I hate to say it, but it's true. I mean, everybody went to see Titanic, which had the crappiest plot I've ever seen in my entire life (not ENTIRELY true). I mean, it's a 28 hour movie where Leonardo "Growing Panes" DiCaprio says "Hey, baby! Let's get it on!", and then a boat sinks, and then the little Mike Seaver wannabe dies. Ech! At least this movie has some brains. I mean, you have to have brains to actually make sense of all that religious crap.
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Anyway, this is generally a guy movie. In my experience, chicks don't dig a movie about an innocent woman being chased by the devil and being protected by Arnold "Remember when I said I'd kill you last?" Schwarzenegger. I dunno, maybe you have a chick who digs guy movies, but all the chicks I know saw Titanic 1,059 times and couldn't watch Antz because it had creepy crawlies in it. Stupid bee-otches.
Rating: 8 naked sisters doin' it
Websites:
End of Days official site - I couldn't get past
the Flash intro, so go here if you get
stuck like I did.
Know a good site about this movie, or one of the actors/actresses/directors/key grips/etc involved in it. Send me an e-mail at jarjarschmoke@hotmail.com
